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  2004.09.26  20.09

Its this time every week after the weekend, befor the big week ahead when i just feel like i want to get rid of whatever is bugging me. I look out the window, see the buisy ass loud world and want to throw something at it. I will be okay if i forget. This sounds all too complicated but it must get off my back. These nights make me miss home, so to the computer i go to see what is going on in your lives.
let me be honest that this place is amazing but i have a huge void, and that makes me angry. but nothing can be done untill i come home, i have no power to fix what i have done right now because the phone isnt ringing and (we will talk soon) isnt holding its end up.

every day when i hurry down the streets im affraid of seeing a face that looks like yours
and every day that i dont i wish there was someone who was at least somewhat like you

so as far as what i am REALLY DOING

Last night this guy chris went out with these two girls im firends with and he was baligerantly drunk and sold their expensive little bags with all their shit in it and i came home right when that all went down.. it was a compleate mess. Than befor all this, Alex did too many drugs and got no sleep for 3 days and was convinced that there was lice in his bed crawling in his eyebrows so he went and got raid and it got in his eyes, and that was a huge mess!!! So between these two things i went to ocean beach and hung out with a group of friends. That was quite fun (I didnt get beat up this time) fabulous. But the real fun was the night befor when we went to this guys hotel party, this guy is a flippin korean rock star haha. I was totally a rock star that night i even found myself making phone calls out in the hall with big trendy sun glasses on. Than hailey and i came home and had fun puting people in our room and making them do what we want..hahah it was fabulous.
okay.. haily brought me home a surprise from the sushi resturant.. altough.. i hear its a pea.. damn her
thats the low down



  2004.09.05  01.26
FIGHT!!??who.. me?

so I totally got in a fight last night.. It was a really bad situation but these girls stole my earings and bitched out my best friend here for no good reason trying to get us to talk back, probably so she could mug me and get the earings. Well I knew it would get me in trouble if i said one thing but i couldnt take it and when we were about 7 yards away from the party we were at on ocean beach, and i told the girl to stop messing with my friend and following us and that she better leave me the fuck alone. and at that very moment in time i saw the glass bottel in her had and realized the best i was gonna walk away was awake. So she came up to me and i let her hit me twice in the face without fighting back cause i knew i could get hurt even worse. Well she stole my earings on pretty gucci chains and almost broke my nose. Its all swolen and when im not in my makeup you can totally tell i was hit, ughhhhh... If that bottle wasnt in her hand i could have gotten a years worth of anger out. but uh... Im glad im at this state at least.

so yea.. today was cool though. Besides the wierd guy at brunch that i have to see on the weekends.. ahhhh major creppy. He wanted to take pics of me today for his film class.. and it would not be a cool deal for me.. nope. I have the worst f ing cold in the world, and i have to paint with guache for color and design (scared) well im gonna go find the room that said they had pizza...haha.


someone is listening to nirvana. I can hear it through the alley way

makes me miss

i love you but im not gonna cut
i miss you but im not gonna cut
im so horny but thats okay cause so are you
im in a daze cause i found god
i love you but im not gonna cut
i miss you

okay, tala is crazy


  2004.09.01  12.03
pretty city

So tomorrow I start classes! I have intro to Mac and color and design, than a 3 day weekend. Today i went to a meeting to get to know my directors in advertising, and I am very excited about how professional this schools program is. There are many expectations and goals within the agency that will keep me working:) and hopefully keep creative.
So my friend Eric and i walked since we both decided this would be a smart idea (to meet your directors)and our buildings were close together. Its about a 40 min walk but its through a really nice part of town so i think i will have to find the time to walk to class instead of taking the buss. My good friend here (lyndsay) and i found the awesomest clothing botique last night. All of the stuff in there is hand made by local artists, and its just awesome fashion. I got an apron that you just wear over your jeans only it looks like a jean skirt and it has paint on it. AnnddD these real hott earings.. ooo i was so excited. My money goes like water here its horrible!!

okay i have so much more to say but i have to go get lunch now

this is my address
you guys should send me little pictures and notes and things that make me smile like that

860 Sutter room#416
San Fransisco California 94105

Still have same # 904-9086


  2004.08.21  12.26
where the fetch did everyone go? and why is there no food in the cafateria?? Blast

Im in san fransisco!

This situation I am in is very odd...
I have met some people but not everyone is moved in yet including my room mate and right now i just wish i either had a best friend here with me or that the city wasnt quite so big. The people I have met are cool and funny and all of that. Last night some guys and a few asian girls and me went down to pier 39. There is so much to do and it was pretty fun. One of the guys bought a pair of real wierd sun glasses becuase i said they were hot and than regreted it, and i laughed at him because it was dark out. Than he bought me a shot glass from hooters. Hes sorta a crazy kid. If I just didnt love some of the people back in vancouver as much as i do, than things here would seem like a wonder world. But, I will be the first to admit it... I miss you

PS.. my room rocks. It has two floor to cealing windows from 4th floor and its a big room with victorian wall paper and tall cealings with a bathroom with an old fashioned tub!! rock on


  2004.08.06  12.56

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a frist impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide


  2004.07.22  01.08
if someone were to bring me my coffee every day....


ewwww... if i die please knowone let my body go to the browns funeral home dowtown camas

anyways.. now that i am officially creeped out!!! I took allie to taylors and we hung out there and watched the dvd of the fashion show we did few months back. now i am home and i just got a wierd sad little call, about some girl being in huge truble so i was gonna go drive back out to vancouver but it was all settled over the phone... phew

i was supposed to go dancing tonight
Ash is real hard to get a hold of
so i accidently called back jordyn jackson.. ahhhh
why do i have to work and want so hard to see one of my friends. mabye he just dosnet wanna see me anymore... mabye just quits.. ide understand..ide be sad
found my retainer
have to be at joes at 9:00 am
need to wash my face
i hate it when the phone rings and its not for you

I would be quite happy.. it would change the day


  2004.07.18  01.24

yes, and thats how it is

its a little wordy.. but i guess thats how it is



  2004.07.18  01.21

Drive me to you
The way I drew into you
Trust this in my brown eyes
When I hardly look at you
Im staring

If silence covers the facts
If sheets cover my skin when I am alone
Than ide better be arrested
For screaming the un speak-able
For robbing love

For turning on the radio for goodness sakes
Lakes line oceans
The road infornt of me and my radio
Remember your dream of me.
Im your water princess
I dive into you and you play me like music
It keeps me going
Yes it keeps me

And now shes beautiful shes your weather
Falls onto your brow
Kisses you gently
She would kiss you a million times
But it will only hurt you
it would rain on your paraid


  2004.04.25  22.10
nutty farts...and dogs that look like sheep





  2004.04.12  19.43
You're my Wonderwall

first off... I miss Miesha
second.. the other day i was in my room listening to dumb z100.. and i thought "okay Tala the next song that comes on the radio is gonna be my song of my life right now..." And Oasis Wonderwall came on.. How random is that! z100 never plays songs like that, espically old ones. Well.. its true.. heres my little life.

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall



  2004.04.01  06.55
mi non stanko... Im not tired

no... I am not tired.. and i wish i was so i could sleep more because i woke up at 4 and i have a huge day ahead of me. So yea, I am in Italy. This place is wonderful, however the first few days .. ahh there is a cat on the roof of my apartment, it scared me because its glass in areas and i saw it out of the corner of my eye.

already i am just starting to get a little language in. My mind is compleatly filled with culture and language that it makes it hard to just rest sometimes. That is on the way of wearing off though. yesterday/wednesday, was our first full day in Florence, we arrived in florence around 8 at night on tuesday by train from milan. I was only in Milan for a few hours, and it was after 13 hrs of flying, but i hated it, i thought it was cold, the people were cold, a pigen pooped on moms head, the trains were not on time and the scheduels were hardly even that and i hated that.

on saturday i will take the train from florence to Milan to go see Miesha. I am soooooo happy to see her. That will be so nice. I am sure I will enjoy Milan much more than i did the first time. I love florence, the people are nicer, the weather warmer than milan, there are amazing botiques with designer shops, and some who are not as well know or expensive but they still are amazing. Than there is the market where many beautiful things are sold every day from morning to sun set, and the market where we get our bread cheese wine, things like this. so many people speak english!!! all of the workers and resturantes, it makes me sad.

i have many more stories.. ohh i lost my journal in Germany i think, along with some pictures in it.. still a sore subject for me. It is getting light outside.. it will be a clear day today. Yesterday i saw the Palace where my parents were married, It is where i want to be married. It was sooooo huge, breathtaking, so much more than i imagined, one of the huges buildings here. It is where the medechi family lived for a while. speaking of which.. the lorenzo de medechi is the american university that i am looking at today.. i have met students from there that like it so far. I hope i feel the same about it today.



  2004.03.29  00.06
if thou dost love.. my kindness shall incite thee

Tomorrow I leave for Italy, well.. actually Frankford Germany is where i will be tomorrow.. Than for the next few weeks I am free from everything here. I think I need to be, simply because I am too comfortable here. I really dont even want to be gone for two weeks.. and that is how i know there is something absolutly wrong, and that i need to break from whatever is tieing me back. Because all these ties have nothing to show for themselves, beside the whole i have dug myself.

ahhh.. so free, but i still have a schedule, and limited time. Just like every other day of my life only, i have no clue who i may pass from day to day, and what i will see. It will all be new.

Miesha! i get to see miesha.. i love her so much this will be so great! wow i watched a video tonight of when we were younger and i could not want anything more than to just have those years back again. I dont know why they were so absolutly great. Is all i know is 8th and 9th grade were such fun parts of my life because of her. ahh i only get to spend a few days with her though. I need her to know how much i love her.

i am excited for what may be..


  2004.03.15  23.07
ive been so stupid, the kind you cant help

Can someone please tell me why...??

well first of all.. please smack me someone and knock this all out of me so that i can just not be in a place where i am setting myself up for being sad.. cause really.. thats all its gonna do is hurt someone

P>S this entry will not make sense to anyone but Heller

my day always seems to follow this.. and then im simply stuck.. Really i should end up with more.. im just not seeing it.

the whole day ahead of me
content, fun music
thoughtful on my way to school.. sometimes too much
get there
stare into that direction
mind game
sort of like when you have money
wether you should spend it or not.
let down
ooo.. but mabye
hey.. wait arent i supposed to be working
oh yea my teachers dont care and i get good grades anyways
(back to minde games)
asdjkgh hvds
(hour later)
shit its lunch time and really i should have done lines for theatre
wow.. im an ass that does noting
(eats).. yells at franco
says sorry
realizes she kinda wasnt and i need space
wow.. gets happy again
okay its over
then art classes,then home, then phone
then too much
but nothing
then shes sorry
but really shes reacting to what is around her
the good
then the bad
hey.. they deserve it


I want to be alone, but i am so dependant... I am a freak, no really


  2004.03.06  14.08
asdljf ei

I woke up compleatly hung over, and i didnt even drink last night. I guess it was just crazy enough. I kinda wanna do it again



I'm not ashamed
Of the things that I dream
I find myself flirting with the verge of obscene
Into the unknown
I will be bold
I'm going to the places that I can be out of control

And I don't want to explain tonight
All the things I've tried to hide
I shut myself out from the world tonight
So I can draw the blinds
Then I'll teach myself to fly
I love myself it's not a sin
I can't control what's happening

Cause I've just discovered
Imagination's taking over
Another day without a lover
The more I come to understand
The touch of my hand < br>
The small of my back
The arch of my feet
Lately I've been noticing the beautiful on me
The mole on my skin, and I'm not gonna wait
I'm into myself in a most precious way

And I don't want to explain tonight
All the things I've tried to hide
I shut myself out from the world tonight
So I can draw the blinds
Then I'll teach myself to fly


  2004.02.02  22.44
"we havent fucked yet, but my heads already spinning"

"You think you're sooo cool 'cause you can pee with your penis."

I just found that in some random old friends away message, which is real ironic cause i have a funny story about that dumb line that just happend today! I just got done telling someone about it cause i thought it was real funny, then i get online and this kid i met like a million years ago who lives in god knows what state now just had that in his away message (which i never check)... Its not like its a famous line.. what the shit.

yea and along with that... What was with sara moris calling conyne superman in class today, then he ripped off his sweater and unleashed his massive superman T shirt he just happend to be wearing, and was very calm about it all while the whole class just about shit.

Well.. yea so i guess it was sorta a wierd day now that i look at it... I bought a lotto ticket and i got the ticket that was worth the max amount, but do you think i won it??? no.. nope, not me. But if i did it would have been the best.. Yea thats actually a prime example of whats going on for me.. mm.. the best, if at all.


  2004.01.19  00.11

I played a game tonight

for the animal i said a tiger because they are intreaging, beautiful, and defensive for only what they need to survive, or love.

for the ocean i answered "what is most amazing to me is how one large body of water can be so different in different places yet it is all shared"

The first question was supposed to be what i wanted in a man
The second was supposed to be what i thought about sex

i found this interesting


  2004.01.11  22.01

I dont know what to write. I havent even wrote in my real journal in a long time.
I could shuffle through my memory and pull out a lot of shit. but its real simple right now. its real simple on the outside of my life, but turn it all inside out and its too busy.

It's not so bad bein' trendy
Everyone who looks like me is my friend
Please don't hate me because I'm trendy
They're not gonna laugh at me again
Everybody does it
Maybe you should too
They'll make fun of me
They'll make fun of you
But I don't wanna be left out...
I wanna be cool!

cold hands
missing ring
shower sounds good
that chalky damn paint
just red lipstick
ill go alone to formal
itd be hot
itd be... trendy

Maybe some day, I'll think of what to say.
Maybe next time I'll remember what to do,
She looks like heaven, maybe this is hell,
Said she'd do it all again
She'd promise not to tell!
If I get drunk well,
I'll pass out on the floor now baby
You won't bother me no more
(and she said) It's OK boy cause
You know we'll be good friends and I say
I think I'll have myself a beer.


  2003.11.14  22.00
why the hell am i still in stage makeup?

I chose just a bit of a song i like, just a little bit to share tonight.

and both hands
now use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
i am writing
graffiti on your body
i am drawing the story of
how hard we tried
i am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
i am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands

It was opening night.
"damnit, sometimes i just wanna act."
Tala's thought tonight


  2003.11.09  22.22
then im like... "hey im tala"

I wanna fall into my bed like its someones arms and sleep. Than wake up ontime in the morning...

than when i get to school, be ready to dance with pieces of fabric bigger than me and not fall.

Without enough sleep, we all become tall two-year-olds.
~JoJo Jensen


  2003.11.07  21.13
cold, feels like independence day, cant break away from this parade.

Who?… Me?

The truth is I love being alive. And I love feeling free. So if I can't have those things then I feel like a caged animal and I'd rather not be in a cage. I'd rather be dead. And it's real simple. And I think it's not that uncommon.
I know I present myself as many things, I'm very sexual, yet I've always been monogamous,and make jokes just for the fun but, I feel both masculine and feminine I understand that side of men that encompasses the lone person. I have the restless spirit of a man.
That’s the reason we kind of exist. Its like our job. To give to each other. And learn from each other. To capture the moments of people. So, I find it really strange to have somebody ignore the obvious human being right in front of them.

“If being sane is thinking there's something wrong with being different, then I'd rather be completely fucking mental"

So i broke down on the highway around 11ish last night. I was okay with it though. It was a good excuse to sit in my car in complete quiet befor i got home and had to do things ide rather put off. It was just cold and winter like, and i sang a song and left a messege on someones machine..
Okay why would i even ask the clerk a question like that?.. Of coures i didnt feel cool! haha.. and wait.. what was the point? oOoo.. i am so doing dance again after this shakespear thing. Or mabye not.. hmm.. we will see.

Oh and like, I like wierd guys. The more insane the more they can keep up with me i guess.. i dont know what it is. but either way it dosent work so nevermind.

whatever this is is good


  2003.10.24  14.12
dumb fly one my window, but its pretty outside

So what has happened between now and when i left to san fransisco? Well... I have had an easy year so far and just fun things. Yay franco just called and he gets done with dance soon so were going to portland. So i actually better get going soon, but i am just thankful for how my life has slowed down and not been so much like and emotional ride through my lonly hell.
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<hmmm..>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

So what has happened between now and when i left to san fransisco? Well... I have had an easy year so far and just fun things. Yay franco just called and he gets done with dance soon so were going to portland. So i actually better get going soon, but i am just thankful for how my life has slowed down and not been so much like and emotional ride through my lonly hell. <hmmm.. yea thats a good way to explain it> but it has been simple, and i dont want more. Jordyn calls me and wants to take me out latly, but i cant seem to call him back even if thats all he wants. I must be scared, or mabye im just happy and i want to stay here.
aaron took me out last sun night. he showed me some of his new songs and i cant beleive how beautiful they are, and i love him. but i dont want to even talk to him.
I dont feel scared but if i dont want to date or if i dont want to actually like someone. I must be.

But really i could care less because i dont feel lonly and i am happy. I feel like i am spending my life well right now. Franco took me to red hot chillie peppers last mon night as a birthday present because it was my birthday last week. There was a surprise party thing at my house last sat when i came home from rehersal and all my family and just close friends were there. I almost cried because i was so glad to see my whole family, it was sad that kate wasnt there, but that was also one of the reasons why i loved having my family there. So yea i am 18 now. I can get married and go to jail!! okay well i think i better go get dressed or something. okay bi


  2003.08.30  14.00
nails clicking

I dreaded coming home
I went to the funeral and said goodbye to her.. i love her
I was at the beach and met an amazing person.
eww.. i feel as though i never want to be sexually touched again.
i was just sleeping
and stolen from
and im home

Thats all over and yet its begun again
up all night with miesha till she leaves
felt so good ill sleep in her bed when shes gone

im leaving to san fransisco in a few days i guess.
i want to leave and neeeevvvveeer come back
but i will cause its only a year and there must be a reason
that im
still here.

yes.. my hair is black. This feels much better muah haha


  2003.08.17  12.59
To Kate with love

I felt i should update. acknowlege this the same way i did with my little cousin tyson who died the same way last year. She was that cousin that is the closest in age to me, we talked and grew up together. She was on her way to work this morning and was hit by another driver. She died this morning. When this happened last year with tyson i posted a poem that reminded me of him as an acknowlagement, and as respect for him. Here is one for you kate.


I dream
from this narrow ledge of reason
tumbling through the abyss
of reality
to rest
by the stream
which flows through the meadow
of my unborn self.

two young girls can only dream and talk about love, Kate was so patient with it I hope she feels all the love possible wherever she is.


  2003.08.13  00.38



  2003.08.06  13.40
Chasing cops in a mini van??

so chad and i chased the cops last night. hahaha then when we got to the scene the cops were all spread out but there was this lady who i thought was just trying to see what was going on, and just lookin around. She came out of the bushes on my side of the car and i saw that she had a gun. craaaazy

yay parents out of town.. they should be back today though.
fun times last night. that was a fun group of people. shall we do again thurs night? i think i shall.

wooo hoo

Mood: giggly

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